Roles:

I have always loved acting, it is the one thing I never seemed to get really shy about, and yes for those of you who don't know I was very very shy! The reason I loved acting, is because I was no longer me, I could step into my charecter and play the role of my charecter. I rather enjpyed it, becasue what ever my charecter said, or did, I did not have to feel bad or guilty about, because it was not the real me! what brought on wrighting a blog about this you might ask, well, Last night at uptown we were reminded of how sometimes, whith or without knowing it, we play roles, weather that be the role of the victom, or youngest child, or the clown, the onw who is serious, the black sheep...things like that! Am I playing a role? I think it is pretty safe to say, yes...I am playing a role, at least sometimes. When I was younger, especially in high school, I tried so hard to "fit in" that I would transform into what people wanted me to be, to a certin extent, but this caried on for so long, that I got to a point where I don't really think I knew the "real" me! As most, if not all of you know, I am in my final year of college, and this is the first year I have felt like I have being real, it is the first year I have felt like I know who I am, and can express that to others. however, I am not perfect, and though I try hard not to step into roles I still do! So I am sorry for not being "real!" God, pray that you would continue to show me what those roles are that I step into, then help me to brake those roles, so I can walk as the woman of God you created me to be!

Uptown

Uptown tonight was really good. I think in a way uptown is getting more and more intense every time I go! Part of me feels like when I hear Reed preach that I am back in spiritual formation because it is like I am getting the same message twice! Reed is doing a series on transforming the heart, and well, in spiritual formation we are looking at transforming the heart! So yah, but anyway, every time I go, I get ministered to so much, and I love to be there because everyone is so real! Tonight we read from 2 Corinthians 3, and we talked about how Moses wore a vale to prevent people from seeing that the glory of the LORD was fading, but people thought Moses wore the vale because of how bright the glory of the Lord was on him. And we talked about how we were masks or vales that kinda fool other people, and if we keep that mask on for long enough we even begin to believe it. So I began to wonder, what are my masks? I know I have them! Lord, I pray that you would reveal those masks to me; I pray that you would help me to be real with people, and I pray that you would help me take off those masks; Show me who I am in you, and help me to lay those masks at the cross and leave them there so you can form and shape me into the woman of God you created me to be!

Self image/ self view!

Lately, I have been becoming more and more aware of something! That is just how much I look down upon myself, or how hard I am on myself! I mean, I make mistakes, everyone does, but I really really beat myself up over it, and I really shouldn’t! I should not let my mistakes control me, I should not forget about them either, simply learn from them! I have talked down and looked down on my self for so long, that it has been difficult to change! Yet I KNOW I need to! I feel like it is really hindering me, because I often get this mind set that I can’t do things, or that I am not good enough! I constantly seek others approval, when really the only approval I need to be seeking is God’s! Or I have this really distorted view which comes from the world, on hoe I need to look! And this has been going on for so long that it is really difficult for me to see the good things, I realized that when I could not list one single skill that I have, sad but true! So LORD, I pray that you would show me who I am in you, and help me to receive that and accept that and hang on to it when I go through the rocky times of uncertainty about who I am! I pray that you would help me to take every negative thought captive to you and that I would be able to take it to your cross and leave it there, but also to pick up the truth, your truth and cling onto it! Show me who I really am!

Miracles in the Maritimes

This weekend was amazing! There was so much healing. Both inner healing and outer (for lack of a better word) healings! I don’t think I ever experienced anything like it! The worship was so amazing! And that’s just the beginning! This weekend really had an effect on me! I received so much freedom! I actually danced, I actually danced a lot! :D On top of that, I started to be able to lay down the things of my past, and start to LEAVE them at the cross! It is still a struggle but it is getting a little easier! There was a lot of talk about being freed from depression, which I am hoping one day will happen, however it never, but oh well, I am still trusting God, as well as taking my meds. Oh and this might sound a little weird to some of you, but I have a gold filling now, and two of my fillings are gone! As well as during the conference Mike Smith, the guy leading worship, also did ministry time, and he called up the people who’s name meant a flower, and so I went up, cause Susan means Lilly, and then he prayed a Mother Teresa Anointing over us! It was amazing! And then at the end of the night, I was told I was a fire ball! HEHE! Oh And three times that night, I was asked about my heart for the nations, which is weird because I never told anyone I had a heart for the nation, more specifically Africa! So All I can do and have been doing is surrendering it to the Lord and seeing what comes of it! And then the night after the conference, I asked for prayer, cause my back was really really hurting me, and after Sky prayed for me I was healed! No more pain! YAY!!!!!

New Revelation:

So Here I am sitting in spiritual formation and I finally get what the next step is in my healing process. For the past week I have accepted the things that had happened in my past, and as much as I am scared I do desire healing, but I did not know what the next step was. I mean I know and I have been praying about it and laying them down at the cross, but I knew something else had to be done. Then during class I learnt my memories leads to emotions which leads to meaning which leads to thoughts which then lead to my actions. When I look at this I realized that to date that my memories where tied to strong negative emotions, which in turn leaves me with the meaning that I have no worth and I don’t belong, which gave me very negative thoughts towards myself and others, which then leads to negative actions. So what I need to do is take every thought captive to Christ! I need to retrain those thoughts, retrain my mind so I will have the mind of Christ. It will not be an easy process, and one that probably will not be easy, but at least now I know the next step is.