To all the guys:

I wanted to Wright this blog for all the guys/men that read my blog.
This weekend I have realized that I really don't trust guys/men, and I have a really really hard time being real around them, and I have almost always felt intimidated by guys, in some way shape or form. This is kind of a scary thought when I think about it, because all the faculty of the college this year are men. I have also had this bad habit of associating guys/men to getting hurt. For the longest time I never even realized I was doing this. But I am! I am now trying to stop though. So To all the guys/men I am sorry if I haven't been real, and even sorrier that I have trouble trusting you. I hope you can have patience with me as God helps me heal from this!

Refiners Fire!

Oh how have I learnt to be careful of what I pray for! Over the past week, I have been in a place of deep deep reflection. It has been a very thoughtful week. A week where God has been teaching me to be still. To be silent before him, so he can work in me! So it has been my prayer the past week that God would search my heart, and bring up those things that are hid so deep that I have been avoiding dealing with them, and I have been in denial about for years now. And as hard as that was I knew God was calling me to just sit and be, rather then keeping myself going, and trying to do things for other! Do not get me wrong, being a servant is good, however I guess I realized one of the reasons I would rather keep my self busy serving others is so I won’t have time to be still. (I really hope this make sense for people) Anyway, I started feeling like God was standing there with the keys to “the closet” waiting for me to say, Ok God, I need to clean this willing and the time is now! And as soon as I did he immediately brought things up! As a result, I have been dealing with some pretty deep things, and being brought through a process of deep deep healing! And as scary as it is to be reliving these things, I know God has not left me. So pray as God is bringing me through the refiners fire, as he slowly chisels away the hard parts of my heart, that I would continue to be obedient and willing to let him work in me, and be open to Him working through others to help make me aware of some of the things I need to deal with!

2 nights of seeking God:

The past two nights I have spent a fair amount of time in the chapel here at the college. Myself adn a few other people have been worshiping and praying. I have had a really difficult time worshiping and I was not sure why other then I was trying hard to deal with the stuff going on at home! And well God spoke to me and showed me that I was angry! And so I had to appolagise and repent of it, and then I have spent alot of today appolagising to different people for my anger, and it is funny cause they didn't even see that I was angry, which ment it was all internal! Then tonight at prayer I broke down and cryed, alot, and I realised that I am angry at God and I am angry cause I feel like the prayers for my nan is not making a difference, and I am tired of feeling that way! I know that God hears our prayers, I have been trying to focus on the scripture that talks about the prayer of the rightouchs pervales! And trying to remember that God hears us when we call out to him! but it has still been a challenge! So I am sorry for being angry with God, and tonight, I was reminded that even in my anger God still loves me! How, I don't really know! But I am thankful that he loves me despite the fact I am angry and hurt!

Update on my nan:

All day today I have had the most horible sinking feeling in my stomic which usually somethin is just not right! So when I got home from work I felt an urgant need to get an update on my nan. So first I called home and Dad was saying that he had not talked to my mom in a while but last he knew my nan had been for a walk, but still no tube! So then I called my mom on her cell, and found out she did get the tube put in and the infection can now begin to drain out of her body as well as still being treated by medacation! And we orignally thought the tube would be there for three weeks, however they said tonight that it might be a few days and could be as much as six weeks! And they should know more tomorow!

My nan!

Wrighting a prayer request: Almost a week ago I found out my nan was admited to hospital in edmonton, she is from newfoundland but the woman of my family were in Alberta, on their way to calgery to my cusions wedding when they just had to finally take my nan to hospital! I had not even know she was sick but apparently she had been sick for almost a month and they nthought it was the stomic flew! YAH, not so much! Turns out it was her gullbalder and she had so many gullstones, but...it gets worse. She has such a bad infection, and had they waited one more day the infection would have been to bad to do anything about! The doctors are trying everything they can to get the infection cleared up so they can do surgry to remove the gullbladder so she can get better. However, they can not get the infection cleared up! And she had another gullbladder attack which has put her in alot of pain, so they have her hooked up to Morphine all time, as well as something to help her breath! the latest bloodwork shows the infection is slowly, and i meanever so slowly, is comming down! But the doctors are not happy! They were spose to insert a tube in her today which was to stay there for three weeks to help the infection drain, and then they would look at surgry! However when I talked to my home an hour ago still nothing...no change! My family is emotionally drained, physically drained, and frusterated! And they are truning to me, or that is how it feels! and though I know everything will be ok, and though I am dealing alot better then last year, inside I feel broken! Thank GOd I have strength everytime I talk to them, but I am drained! And it is gewtting hard! sO PLEASE PRAY for my family and me! For God's peace, and strength, guideance and wisdom! And understanding and patiance! thanks in advance for your prayers! (the prayer of a rightouches man pervales)

Back on Medacation

There is not to much to say about it but I am back on Meds! I am kinda thankful about it now! I am still strugeling with finding a schedual, a good time that I can remember to take my meds every day twice a day! It is just a madder of finding something that work! I have to daily reminded myself that depression is nothing I did wrong, but an actual thing (yah thing is not the right word I just can't think of the right word) and though it was hard to sallow that this could be a life long battle, I think I am back to acepting that I could be on meds for a long time! Being on meds helps me to remember and remind me that depression does not have to control me, and that with the help of meds, and prayer and seeking God, I can still live a "normal" life, so thats a good thing to remember cause then I don't feel so darn helpless! So as I end this please pray that I find stabel times to take my medacation and that once I found those times I can remember to take them!

Lord of the rings marathon

Today I did something that I never thought I would ever do! At ten this morning, I started watching the Lord of the rings, number 1 and we have been going non stop ever sence, we are finaly on the second half of the third movie. I can not believe I watched all three movies in one day and actually enjoyed them! :D

Happy Thanksgiving!

Tonight I want to wish my fellow bloggers a happy thanksgiving! :D I also want to say I am truly thankful for every person God has placed in my life, because they have helped shape me into the person I am today in some way shape or form. As well as say I am trully blessed and thankful for God's provision, and that God will provide. I am really really close to my family, and I do wish I was home with them, or this year, wishing I was at my cusions wedding in Calgery, however, God has blessed me every year sence I have been away. I say this because every year God has put people into my life to make me feel at home during this holaday weekend, and many other times! So, Thank You God for provided for me! And I leave you with one question: What are you thankful for this thanksgiving weekend?